what’s tugging at me is that i read recently, just scrolling through my feed, someone saying that if they read about “romanticizing” one more time, they were going to vomit or something like that, they were over the concept. this struck me deeply because that’s my whole brand philosophy. and i actually embody that every single day, personally.

it’s funny how something that feels like core philosophy to me can sound like fluff to someone else. i’m not using the romanticizing my life phrase as a trendy buzzword. it’s a literal way of being inside my own life. a way of living i've been cultivating for years, even built my business around.

what do you mean you don’t romanticize your life? i’m protective of this life view. something meaningful to me does not become superficial just because someone has only encountered its shallowest version or cannot personally relate to what they see.

if romanticizing your life means turning everything into performative content, then i’m tired of that too. but if it means paying attention to your own existence enough to remember you are actually here… noticing the rain on the roof of your car and the condensation on your iced coffee cup… then i don’t know what else to call that except mindful living.

this applies across everything for me though: attention makes something sacred. that’s it. that’s romanticizing life. it’s not about “content.” it’s about memory.

stop living slightly behind your own life.

before romanticizing brings me back to myself, self-abandonment looks like treating my life as passing me by instead of somewhere i actually live.

i let life pass me by when i photograph the thing before i feel it first. when i build the project before i know whether i even want to keep it. when i name the whole thing before the idea has had even a second to breathe.

society’s hustle culture teaches us to keep moving because stillness might make us notice we are tired, lonely, overstimulated, grieving, or no longer interested in the identity we’ve been performing.

when i stop romanticizing my life, i become depersonalized, disconnected, and self-detached, and i’m typically living in a faster lane than i realize i want to be in.

romanticizing my life, slowing down, taking small pictures, and writing poetry about everyday moments slow me down. they regulate me. the sensory aspect of writing and recalling tactile memories is hugely important in my life.

but it’s not an easy thing to do, staying present and mindful. especially when doomscrolling social media often.

romanticizing interrupts that by asking us to stay: sit in the car and actively listen to the rain. watch one bird instead of finishing the trail. take the picture because i want to remember the moment, not because i only wanted to make a post about it. romanticizing is actually the moment my life stops being a deliverable and becomes an adventure you get to experience.

romanticizing life is how to keep up with life with agency, rather than living as a passenger. it’s how i stay attuned to my life. and in it. inside it. living it.

someone next to me might see me taking pictures in a cafe and think i’m being performative, but this is my real life. it’s kind of like how reading a book in public can look performative to people who don’t read books. but people who read every day read everywhere!

if my life doesn’t look like someone else’s life and they can’t fathom their life looking like that, maybe their version of romanticizing life looks different. that’s okay. it’s okay to not take a photo. it’s also okay to take a picture if you do have interest in creating a living archive using instagram, facebook, your phone’s photo albums. it’s not shallow. it’s a unique and personalized relationship to that moment that you’ll literally never get back in any other way.

i can scroll back and look at a post and i’m immediately transported back into that memory, that moment, that scene i took a photo of. it’s an archive of memories to recall on command… to me, this is a deeply resonant way of living.

and maybe, yes, i made it look aesthetic, but not in an untrue way. i’m a photographer. i stylize flatlays all the time. it’s just part of my life.

to be honest, it is a hard line for me: it is sometimes difficult to understand when i'm “content-ing” and when i’m romanticizing my life, as far as taking photos in the moment.

but i know that i’m always happy when i take the photo, and i’m always a little upset when i don’t have any photos from a moment at all.

i do have to remind myself that my real life isn’t always based on the perfect shot. often it’s the imperfect pictures that i end up using anyway: a perfectly constructed photograph can look beautiful, but sometimes it fails to tell the story.

sometimes the story is that my desk is messy, because i’m busy. sometimes the story is that my coffee cup is half-empty before i even remember to take a cute flatlay photo, and that’s the story: i must have needed the caffeine in that particular moment.

a personal archive does not have to contain every detail to be truthful… a photograph is always going to be selective. something is inside the frame, meaning something else is just outside it. but what is missing from the image is not always missing from the memory. sometimes one small detail is enough to bring the entire moment rushing back.

curation is not automatically dishonesty. choosing what to include can simply mean choosing which part of the story you want the photograph to carry.

the image does not have to function like evidence for anyone else. it just needs to be a doorway for the person who lived it.

sometimes i take a photograph. sometimes i don’t. the photograph is not what makes the moment meaningful. it’s the attention that does.

the fact of the matter is time speeds up as you age.

sometimes we mistake speed for aliveness. as mentioned by Psychology Today1, “time passes up to 5-10x faster subjectively for an adult compared to a young child. mathematically, a single year is 10% of a 10-year-old’s life, but only 2% of a 50-year-old’s life, making a year feel five times shorter and faster relative to total lived experience.”

basically? the older i get, the faster time seems to move. weeks blur into months. seasons disappear before i feel like i’ve fully gotten to live them. I've found i forget too much because life is passing too fast.

paying attention is how i slow time back down.

photography doesn’t stop time, it reminds me to notice it. i don’t have to take a picture of something to romanticize it. just noticing it for a time and logging it to my memory through attention does the job. but i love going a step further.

the way i live my life now is shaped by a refusal to abandon myself again. i try to stay close to my body, trust what i notice, and remain present enough to actually live my own life to the fullest.

sometimes that means sitting in my car reading while the rain tink-tink-tinks against the metal roof, until the sound becomes deeply safe and regulating… oh my gosh, i almost forgot i love the sound of rain.

being present often begins with something small: a sound, a pause, a moment of attention that brings me back to myself. in parting, i give you the soft reminder: don’t lose your life to forgetting.

♡

follow nikki on instagram

visit the website

♡

if this essay resonated, you might also like my mini mag on strawberry theory. it isn’t really about strawberries. it’s about the quiet ways we learn to choose softness, attention, and a life that actually feels like our own. 🍓

⋆ editor’s note ⋆

i’ve realized lately i’ve began demanding answers out of everything in life. this had the demanding sense of time urgency surging upwards in my chest like heavy free-floating anxiety... not the vibe check you want for the start of the summer, to be honest. but noticing is the first step, i’ve learned, and I channeled all this effort i’ve spent combating time urgency into this article for you! enjoy :)

⋆ what are synchronicities? ⋆

i originally learned about this concept through The Artist Way book. synchronicity is the coincidental occurrence of two or more seemingly unrelated events that feel meaningfully connected, despite having no obvious causal link. coined by Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung, it describes a "meaningful coincidence" where an internal thought or dream perfectly mirrors an event in outer reality.1

ok, but… what? i know, i know. what i’m really trying to get across is not the meaning-making, but the noticing. in the past this same notion has been described as serendipity which is kinda defined as luck that takes the form of finding2 … or, in my opinion: noticing, which can also be described as mindfulness if you wanna get lowkey psychological with it.

it’s my opinion that synchronicities are life’s annotation marks. sometimes the universe reaches out with invisible helping hands and quietly highlights what matters before you’re ready to understand why. you just have to be open to the mindfulness and presence, vs. looking for answers constantly. you don’t always need to explain life’s signs… sometimes it explains itself in due time. we don’t need to force answers every waking minute of our life… creating space for breathing room and processing time is just as necessary.

⋆ highlighter theory ⋆

i’ve realized a new personal philosophy of mine that synchronicities are life’s annotation marks.

sometimes the universe quietly highlights something before you’re ready to understand why. like someone took a yellow highlighter marker directly to your life and said: here! look here! you don’t need to have the full answer immediately, just notice your attention is being invited somewhere.

that’s the part i keep coming back to: synchronicities don’t always arrive as answers. sometimes they arrive as attention.

sometimes the thing being highlighted is an opportunity. sometimes it’s a relationship. sometimes it’s grief, or joy, or proof of growth. sometimes it’s not even that deep yet. sometimes it’s simply proof that i’m paying attention again. a tiny little pat on the head from life, like: good girl. you noticed.

and lately, for me, the thing that keeps finding me is yellow.

yellow flowers. yellowish mushrooms. golden accents. birds with yellow in their name. highlighter-colored details sprinkled throughout my days in ways that feel way too strangely specific to ignore, but not always able to be explained right then. within a week i was suddenly aware of so many different shades of yellow that i hadn’t really tuned into before.

synchronicity isn’t always a puzzle you have to solve by midnight. me? i’m treating it like evidence.

evidence that i’m looking. evidence that a notation is pulling me to read something in the margins. evidence that my life is quietly annotating itself in real time.

you may not be able to cleanly explain in one sentence why you’re noticing a certain bird following you around every other day for two weeks straight… but at least you’re noticing it. that’s where you begin.

⋆

note for you, reader :: my highlighter color was yellow. your highlighter might not be yellow (or a color at all). it might be a word that keeps showing up, a song that keeps finding you, a certain angel number hunting you down, a place you keep circling back to, a bird you suddenly notice everywhere, a memory, a conversation, a feeling.

the point is not to force meaning out of every little thing. the point is to stay open enough to notice what repeats. collect first. interpret later. some things are highlighted for now to be explained in time… but first you got to notice it.

⋆ tiny proof vs. repeated signs ⋆

small things count. repeating things speak.

highlighter theory is about being open to synchronicity, mindfulness, and not demanding answers out of everything right out of the gate. let the answers come in time… they will reveal themselves.

you just have to pay attention to the small stuff (strawberry theory) just enough to notice the stuff that repeats (highlighter theory). if you’re doing that combo? you’re already practicing mindfulness! congratulations, it’s literally that easy! your mind and body will thank you.

i know it might not seem meaningful at first to allow a small thing to become a repeated symbol. but how else do you train yourself to become available to meaning without forcing it? to allow yourself to learn patience, anticipation, presence, pattern recognition, mindfulness, and training your attention? sometimes all your life needs is a little mystery. you have to find yourself paying attention first, though. sometimes life starts highlighting itself before it starts explaining itself. let that be okay!

⋆ summer assignment ⋆

sometimes your body notices before your brain has the explanation. a season can bring up grief, softness, tension, relief, or memory before you know what to call it. a tiny yes. a hard no. a shoulder drop. a deeper breath. not every feeling is a prophecy, and not every sensation needs a full investigation, but your body is still part of how you notice your life. so for this summer assignment, we’re practicing body-led noticing where we ask…

• who makes my body soften?

• what makes my shoulders drop?

• where do i breathe deeper?

• what gives my nervous system a tiny green light?

• what feels like relief before i can explain why?

01. color hunt photo walk

go on a 20 minute walk and photograph every yellow thing that finds you. make it easy, use your phone: no editing required, no professional standards... just collect the pics!

02. half-year moodboard

make a moodboard of what the first half of the year has been highlighting. use screenshots, camera roll photos, colors, outfits, saved quotes, places, textures, songs, or anything you kept returning to.

03. body compass check-in

notice what your body has been saying yes to lately. what made your shoulders drop? what made you breathe easier? what made you feel even 5% more connected to yourself?

⋆ digital goodies ⋆

follow a low-pressure 4 photos a week / 3 week framework you can start during any month, but especially can start right now, this July 2026:

download the summer self-trust photo mini bingo pdf if you want a low-pressure way to practice body-led noticing this season. inside, you’ll get tiny photo prompts that help you notice what your body is already responding to: what softens you, what gives you a tiny green light, what feels like relief, what keeps finding you, and what deserves to be saved as evidence for later.

the pdf allows you to:
✩ keep the prompts handy in a compressed, phone-friendly format
✩ answer gentle self-trust check-in questions as you go
✩ practice body-led noticing without body-image pressure
✩ complete tiny creative assignments with $0 and your camera roll
✩ collect photos of what your summer self is quietly highlighting
✩ notice first, understand later, and let meaning reveal itself in time

summer photo mini bingo

download the free mid year recap mood board template3 if you want a quick, cute way to see what the first half of your year has been quietly highlighting.

this Canva template is drag-and-drop friendly, so you can add your own photos, screenshots, quotes, colors, outfits, places, textures, or anything you kept returning to. i left a few starter pieces in the design to make it feel less blank-page scary, but you can delete, move, swap, and customize everything until it feels like your year.

use it as a visual check-in, a half-year scrapbook page, a mini vision board, or just a little proof-of-life-right-now collage.

click for Canva template

download the body-led noticing list! this little pdf is made to load into your favorite annotation app, like Goodnotes, Notability, Zoomnotes, or even the native iOS Notes app: so you can check things off, scribble in the margins, highlight, and use it as gentle accountability while you notice what your body, nervous system, and real life are already trying to show you.

body-led noticing list pdf

⋆ journal prompts ⋆

set a timer for five minutes for questions 1-4. don’t try to make the answers profound. just notice what comes up. give yourself a little bit longer to answer the last critical question.

1. what have you noticed already keeps getting highlighted by life for you lately?
   a color, word, song, place, person, feeling, object, memory, bird, number, conversation, or tiny repeated detail. write the first few things that come to mind without explaining them yet.

2. what small sign have you been dismissing because it felt too ordinary to matter?
   write about something you keep noticing but keep brushing off. what if it does not need to be dramatic to be worth paying attention to?

3. where might your attention already be quietly pointing you creatively?
   notice the topics, images, textures, ideas, photos, outfits, colors, places, or projects you keep circling back to. what keeps making you curious, even in a small unserious way?

4. what tiny act of self-trust is being highlighted for you right now?
   maybe it is resting, making something, taking the photo, saying no, going outside, sharing the idea, wearing the thing, asking the question, or letting yourself not know yet.

5. deep excavation prompt: what am i demanding answers from too soon?
   write about one situation, pattern, desire, relationship, creative direction, or repeating sign that you keep trying to fully understand before it has had time to reveal itself. what would change if you stopped interrogating it for a little while and simply collected the evidence? what might it look like to trust that meaning can arrive later, without abandoning your own attention in the meantime?

⋆ final note ⋆

you do not need the answer today. pay attention anyway.
as we part I leave you with the single most important question of the issue:

💛 what keeps getting highlighted for you?

you don’t have to turn every small sign into a full explanation immediately. but you can start noticing what keeps repeating. you can begin right away to become open, receptive, mindful, present, and have faith that any meaning will reveal itself later. just enjoy it for what it is for now: a sign.

if you find yourself noticing patterns in your life already, be open to receiving them! but remember your job is not always to know why right away. sometimes your job is just to notice what keeps glowing for you.

3

personal use + business use are welcome. please don’t resell, redistribute, or use it as PLR. just make something cute with your own life in it ♡

---

tiny reader survey for my 2nd Mini Mag issue~

if you read it, skimmed it, downloaded something, had a favorite section, or have thoughts on what you’d want more of next time, i’d love your feedback~!

✿ tiny reader survey ✿

especially curious about future themes, digital freebies, colors, and what parts felt most fun/useful to you ♡

⋆ editor’s note ⋆

romanticize your life, sis.

romanticizing your life is not about making your life look fake... it is about paying enough attention to the real little moments to realize life does not have to be exceptional (or fancy or luxury or filtered) to be beautiful and worthy.

what i mean is allowing yourself to notice the tiny lil proof of life already sitting all around you at all times: the very threads of your life you cling to and enjoy, i challenge you to start noticing them.

the fruit on your plate, the light on your skin, the outfit that made you feel like yourself, the mirror selfie you almost deleted, that future favorite summer moment that would have otherwise faded away if you had not paused long enough to capture it. remember that.

this is your pocket guide to romanticizing your life, gently, strawberry edition… AKA how to make your life easier to notice, savor, and remember. ♥

…and because i am physically incapable of making a cute little summer guide without also sneaking in some kind of self-trust homework… i also included a downloadable confidence girlie guide from the archive. lets gooooo.

⋆ strawberry theory ⋆

small sweetness as proof

introducing ::

strawberry theory is my belief that the love is in the details. meaning: small pleasures matter because they are evidence of an abundant, happy life.

a sugared strawberry on a plate, your body in warm light, a photo you took because it made you happy, a color that made you feel something. these tiny things can hold more emotional truth and nuance than the milestones we think we are supposed to wait for. ↓

learn to look for these little proofs of life… sometimes these little proofs tell the truth better the louder milestones we often stay waiting for. i think this is where confidence comes in too, where you decide that you’re willing to participate in life before you feel perfect, or ready, or whatever. that means taking the selfie, even if you’re not at some arbitrary “goal weight” you set for yourself at the beginning of the year. be willing to stop waiting for your life, body, and mood to become ~flawless~ before treating it like something worthy of softness and reverence now, already.

⋆ i turned my friend into a strawberry girl ⋆

i wanted her to feel like a sexy, summery piece of art.

soft, shadowy skin. the ripe color of red. wood floors and strawberries and lace panties... textured, but minimalist. i was loosely inspired by renaissance portrait paintings with fruit. the day-of: it was awesome, the vibe was high and the atmosphere immaculate. that’s what i love about this kind of photography, where you go in with a vision: the fruit is not just a prop. the accent is not just a color. it’s all atmosphere and empowerment and meaning-making.

sometimes romanticizing yourself looks like a strawberry girl photoshoot with the coolest Houston, Texas photographer girlie you’ll ever meet. other times it looks like a mirror selfie in pajamas, or standing in your bathroom filled with self-criticism… and deciding not to delete the photo immediately. sometimes it looks like letting yourself exist and take up space without apologizing. all are actually tiny acts of self-love.

body note :: you do not have to feel beautiful every second to treat your body like part of the story. body positivity and body neutrality can sit at the same table here: some days you might feel hot, soft, powerful, very strawberry girl in the mirror. and other days your body might simply be the place you live, the thing carrying you through errands, summer, lunch, laundry, sleep. all parts of you count.

and you sure as hell don’t have to change your body before documenting your life. PSA: you don’t have to feel confident before taking the photo. if “love your body” feels like too much today, try something smaller: neutrality, or just thank it, dress it comfortably, pamper it, let it rest. you are human. allow yourself to exist as imperfectly as one, we’re all living our life for the first time here. be gentle with yourself. ♥

⋆ strawberry girl scent stack ⋆

smell like a strawberry sweet treat~

layer: lotion first, mist second, body oil where you want shine or softness. the overall vibe is sweet, creamy, and fruity. very serious strawberry girl science:

the stack ::

🍓 EOS Strawberry Dream Body Lotion
🍓 EOS Cashmere Body Mist in Strawberry Dream
🍓 Cremerie Body Oil in Strawberry Sorbet

this is not about needing products to romanticize your life!! you absolutely do not. however, scent is one of those tiny acts that can make a normal day have more whimsy, and feel a little more yours.

1. 𝚙𝚞𝚝 𝚘𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚊𝚏𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚊 𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚠𝚎𝚛

2. 𝚖𝚒𝚜𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚑𝚊𝚒𝚛 𝚋𝚎𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚛𝚞𝚗𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚊𝚗 𝚎𝚛𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚍

3. 𝚝𝚊𝚙 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚘𝚒𝚕 𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚜, 𝚌𝚘𝚕𝚕𝚊𝚛𝚋𝚘𝚗𝚎, 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚊 𝚐𝚕𝚘𝚠

(then take a photo of the cute bottles on your bathroom counter because i’m giving you homework later in this article~)

this is the kind of tiny identity shift i love! it’s not demanding you reinvent your entire life by monday morning. it’s just a sensory ritual giving yourself a small cue that says:

⋆ romanticize urself without force ⋆

body positivity + body neutrality can sit at the same table

you do not have to feel beautiful every second to treat your body like part of the story. practice reciting these affirmations while applying your strawberry girl scent stack:

sometimes romanticizing your body looks like red lace and strawberries in warm light. sometimes it looks like a mirror selfie in pajamas. both count.

⋆ strawberry girl camera roll ⋆

make your life look like it felt

if scrolling through your camera roll doesn’t give you main character of a novel vibes, we’re gonna fix that.

update your camera roll into an evidence album ::

→ for 1 week: take one photo a day of something when you find yourself feeling real joy, peace, or gratitude during your day.

^{starter photo prompts:}

• ^{mirror selfie before you overthink it}

• ^{detail pic of your latest sweet lil treat (coffee? tea? something else??)}

• ^{outfit check (who cares about bad lighting)}

• ^{fruit / snack / yummy plate of food}

• ^{your hand on the steering wheel 💅}

• ^{your legs in sunlight}

• ^{your perfume/lotion/oil products on the counter}

• ^{your rumpled bedsheets after a nap}

• ^{a close up detail of your body you usually ignore}

• ^{a photo you take only for yourself}

the moments don’t have to be big. we’re slowly teaching you to pay attention to the moments we often chalk up to being too small or mundane to matter. but i’ve found that they matter the absolute most, and deserve the most attention.. like a photo memorial in your hall of fame that is your camera roll.

⋆ strawberry girl rituals ⋆

tiny ways to live more this summer

• buy yourself your favorite fruit as your a treat

• make a tiny “summer b-roll” album in your camera roll and fill it with only faceless detail photos of your real life, things, and moments

• wear red or pink this week

• take one self-portrait in a mirror or reflection

• moisturize your body like it belongs to someone you are responsible for caring for

• make a snack plate and plate it like you care

• sit near a window in the daylight for ~8 minutes

• take one photo you do not post

• keep a photo your instant was to delete

• romanticize the errand, not just the location

⋆ journal prompts for u ⋆

✩ what small part of my life already feels sweeter when i pay attention?
✩ where am i waiting to feel beautiful before i let myself be witnessed?
✩ what would it look like to care for my body without turning it into a project?
✩ what tiny summer ritual would make today feel more like mine?
✩ what photo in my camera roll feels like proof that i was here, soft, alive, becoming?
✩ what does abundance look like when it is small, ordinary, and already within reach?

⋆ little goodies ⋆

strawberry girl companion pack ::

• confidence guide identity shifting booklet

• 7 day photo challenge prompt card

• romanticize your life camera roll challenge scorecard

• summer rituals checklist

⋆ outro from nikki ⋆

you do not have to wait for your life to become impressive before you start paying attention to it. sometimes romanticizing your life is simply choosing to let the small moments count while they are happening.

the strawberries. the sunlight. the mirror selfie. the snack plate. the soft little proof that you were here.

and maybe confidence is not a feeling you wait around for… maybe it is an identity you practice in tiny, ordinary, strawberry-scented ways.

ordinary life was never ordinary at all. 🍓

xoxo,
nikki

tiny reader survey for my first Mini Mag issue 🍓

if you read it, skimmed it, downloaded something, had a favorite section, or have thoughts on what you’d want more of next time, i’d love your feedback~!

✿ tiny reader survey ✿

especially curious about future themes, digital freebies, colors, and what parts felt most fun/useful to you ♡

0. the artifact ::

view the original poem (pdf)

* ₊⊹ 。. ☼ . ⊹₊ *

01 the bus stop ::

one year ago, i was still sitting at the emotional bus stop. literally and otherwise. i remember driving around pretty aimlessly looking for a spot to take self portraits, sweating in 90°f Texas summer heat while a friend held my camera for me, a human tripod, if you will. the air was humid, thick around all of us, sitting on my shoulders, in my lungs. the plexiglass of the bus stop walls blocked whatever wind might have graced us on that moody, cloudy, post-rain day. i remember sitting on the bench right away, the metal not cold, not scalding, somewhere in between, tapping my fingertips while she fussed with settings. my body waiting for something to arrive that would make everything make sense again. i knew i was waiting for an apology, but i also knew it would never come. i think i was waiting for repair. or clarity. or someone else to explain why my nervous system felt like it had been dropped off somewhere and forgotten. back then, waiting lived in my jaw. clenched to the max. stress will always find a way to externalize itself if you don’t release the pressure valve yourself every now and then. lesson learned. at the time, i thought i was waiting for the right response. now i think i was waiting for permission to leave.

* ₊⊹ 。. ☼ . ⊹₊ *

02 the almost ::

there is a version of me who almost made herself smaller just to stay invited. i have compassion for her, now. she was not weak. she was trying to preserve connections with the info she had. she knew how to be useful, patient, understanding, emotionally generous, readable, agreeable, impressive enough to keep around. but there is a cost to staying invited somewhere your body no longer feels safe.

the bus stop’s awning structure was see-through, but solid. unmoving. unbreathable. between those two glass walls, the air stalled. i sat on that bench forever and ever, in rumination: did i make the wrong choice? i remember feeling like my whole body was twisted up in knots that day, and you can see it in the photographs. the tension. the anxiety. the grief, the withdraw. anxiousness, like i had missed my bus or forgotten something important, an appointment, a birthday, or myself.

feeling disconnected is a liminal kind of loss. the feeling of a misstep on a stair, or knowing something is gone, but not knowing exactly what it was. i remember feeling overly attached to spaces where i was having to sand off the edges of my own truth and emotions, simply because i was too honest for the room. a glass cage, squeezing out the breeze, squeezing out the air, nothing left inside except me and stretched truth. eventually, the invitation starts feeling less like connection and more like a leash.

* ₊⊹ 。. ☼ . ⊹₊ *

03 the boundary ::

the boundary did not feel powerful at first. it felt awful. it felt like shaking hands, looping thoughts, checking for signs, wondering if i had misunderstood my own pain. self-trust did not arrive as a confident woman in perfect lighting. it arrived as panic. it arrived as me asking myself the same question twenty different ways and still knowing, somewhere under the noise, that i could not keep abandoning myself just to keep the room calm.

when you’re walking around in a daze, disconnected from yourself, agency feels weird. it is easier to stay familiar. easier to keep waiting. easier to wither away quietly than admit the thing you were attached to might also be the thing making it harder to breathe. which is why you have to chop away at those attachment roots, sometimes. anything to fight your way back to yourself.

maybe i shouldn’t have made a public display of my own lesson based around shared pain. or maybe i was just trying to escape the mental suffocation. i was surviving. i did what i could think to do at the time. and maybe that is the uncomfortable honesty of it all: i was waiting for the day where verbalizing a boundary didn’t have my body sweating, shaking, and bracing itself. maybe that day had to start here.

* ₊⊹ 。. ☼ . ⊹₊ *

04 the walk back ::

the walk back was not romantic... it was journaling when i wanted to spiral. taking a bath before psychoanalyzing every one of my feelings. writing social media captions as a way to transmute grief, because words were the only place the emotion could move without swallowing me. making art out of what i could not explain properly yet.

journaling brought me back home to myself. The Artist’s Way saved my sense of autonomy. running nature trail runs regulated my nervous system. photography and art made my troubles feel small in the moment. not gone. not solved. just small enough to carry.

once i stopped waiting for permission to create? inspiration opened up to me freely. it felt like creative abundance. not all of my ideas landed, but i sure as hell made and shipped a bunch of things. slowly, the center of my life stopped being the room i lost access to and started becoming the rooms i was building for myself.

it was a slow burn, and then a firestorm. pent up self-abandonment released as hurt, rage, disillusionment, and finally, movement. so many of those “past” mistakes are beginning to resurface, transformed into something new and more aligned with who i am now.

* ₊⊹ 。. ☼ . ⊹₊ *

05 self trust is the strategy ::

a year later, self-trust is quieter than i expected. sometimes it is tiny actions of agency and autonomy: like not checking, not shrinking. not over explaining. not mistaking grief as evidence i made the wrong choice.

when i look at the images now, i see the writer in me even a year ago was wanting, begging, to externalize itself. the yellow text is crazy to see now, as someone who keeps seeing yellow everywhere as a sign of alignment and synchronicity^*.

and sometimes self-trust is letting the old poem stay exactly as it was because my past self deserved somewhere to put the pain. preserving old art instead of archiving it feels nostalgic, cathartic, and exactly my brand of healing. i look at the image now and only now realize: oh, she was already on the path home.

* ₊⊹ 。. ☼ . ⊹₊ *

06 journal prompts

maybe that is what the year after has been teaching me: not every feeling needs to stay raw inside the body just to prove it was real. some feelings can become images. essays. voice notes. long walks. quiet boundaries. new rooms. a life that feels more honest than the one i was trying so hard to keep access to. a focus on becoming someone who knows what she protected by walking away. the creativity is in abundance now that belonging no longer requires self-abandonment.

* ₊⊹ 。. ☼ . ⊹₊ *

xoxo, nikki

* ₊⊹ 。. ☼ . ⊹₊ *

✩°。⋆ archival fragments …

view original post

view the sequel lol

field note no. 01

the feeling ::

i was driving, rolling to a stop, arriving early for the photoshoot… on an empty road. i had some rules: the road had to be safe. it also had to be pretty. (once you start looking at them, roads are very ugly.) but then there it was, right outside one of my favorite parks near little Alvin, Texas! this road? covered in nature, swimming in golden light. i took note of the road, the light, the quiet. it was perfect, that road.

it was rugged and rural in the best way. a more polished or urban location would not have been it! sitting in my car and looking around, bright eyed and bushy tailed, i was already noticing the textures of the fences, the splay of the light and shadows streaming through the trees… the cinematic potential, on this road.

trees arced over the pavement, all the way down as it drew to a pin-prick point at its end, where the horizon disappeared to my eyes. it was like it went on forever. i thought that as i sat in my car, meditating. ruminating on the light filtering through the trees in a soft dance from the wind.

before Melody arrived, the road was already doing some of the storytelling for us. it had the exact kind of quiet that makes the plot easier to hear.

✩°。⋆ journal prompts from nikki ::

field note no. 02

the transformation ::

then Melody arrived, and the feeling stopped feeling abstract. i knew this photoshoot was special when i began playing Manchild by Sabrina Carpenter as our anthem, blasting in the background, and saw Melody transform into character. i saw her transmute her pain into art instead. and it was truly magical to facilitate for her, something i’ll never forget.

Melody: “i was hoping to get some relief, pain, hurt, anger, and confidence! which i 100000% did.”

i loved that the cigarettes felt like a poignant expression of exasperated frustration, perhaps even red hot anger at times. the emotion moved around, ignited and extinguished quickly from one moment to the next, just like healing isn’t linear. Melody’s baddie self really got to rear its head in this session, despite usually showing up as soft girl in her sessions.

every prop started carrying a little bit of the emotional weight.

i loved seeing her express a different side of herself, externalizing emotions in maybe the healthiest possible way i can think of ??? expressing and regulating emotions through art. that’s what the cool girl look with the sunglasses was about: symbolizing a more guarded version of herself. the version that knows how to look unfazed, even if there is a firestorm under the surface.

i kept thinking about that quote while we were shooting.

i adored watching Melody’s emotional arc during the session. i loved that the session started off full of structure, with me directing scenes and expressing my establishing ideas. but the moment i started playing the song? she was in it. she was there, present, in the moment. dancing, being absurd, with a smile slowly growing ear to ear. i loved to see it.

Melody: “when the song Manchild played, i kind of locked in on top of what i was going through. i relate so much to the song, so all the feelings and emotions just came rushing in!”

as her confidence and character solidified in front of the camera, she started vibing in her poses and doing her own thing, needing less structure and more freedom. she found flow out on that empty road, just the two of us. and it was at the intersection of music, art, and self-expression. this is what i mean when i say self-expression isn’t a side-quest. it’s the whole damn plot.

world-building this concept with Melody felt cathartic from where i stood, and i remember her naming during the planning process that the idea felt meaningful. and we made so much art together from those few hours on that light-washed roadway, i wouldn’t exchange it for anything.

✩°。⋆ journal prompts from nikki ::

☀ * ₊⊹ 。. ☼ . ⊹₊ * ☀

field note no. 03

the expression ::

by the time we reached the expression part of the session, the road was no longer just a backdrop. once Melody heard her anthem blasting, she was fully locked in. first it presented as slowly dancing more and more. the smiling and laughing followed… especially after we stomped on a cardboard sign a few times. cathartic for her, she was grinning ear to ear afterward.

Melody: “THERAPEUTIC!!!!!!!!!!!”

at the beginning of the session i was posing and giving lots of structure and direction regarding what to do and where to be. photoshoots generally start off this way. it was beautiful to watch her expand and take up space without having to ask. it was seamless, effortless, a delightful arc in the plot of the story… that was true expression. authenticity at its finest: being mindful, present, and aware of yourself and your body… all while being perceived by someone with a camera? that’s intense rebirth. that’s story. that’s art, my friends. that’s self-trust.

and then came the moment that made the whole visual story click into place. the clearest emotional peak i can identify from the session was when Melody held the cardboard sign in her hands, walked it down that barren road, dropped it like a mic… and proceeded to stomp on it. the magic wasn’t anger, it was transforming frustration into movement. the road stopped becoming a symbol of pain and revealed itself to be her pathway home to herself the whole story.

the shoot was built to channel frustration into something… physical, not just emotional. the road carried weight. the sign was a symbol. it was intentionally funny, dramatic, stylish, sharp, and free because all the emotions, even the more complex ones for her at the time… suddenly had somewhere outside the body to go.

✩°。⋆ journal prompts from nikki ::

☀ * ₊⊹ 。. ☼ . ⊹₊ * ☀

field note no. 04

the afterglow ::

the afterglow is always where i learn the most. this session was no exception: it was expressive but lighthearted. we were singing, laughing, and having a ball the entire time. i think at one point I remember remarking to her, about 1.5 hours in, to the session that we hadn’t been serious the whole time! i loved that. but even more, i loved when the pain transmuted itself into power. it was incredible to watch the transformation… a slow burn at first, and then lit all at once, burning bright in her own aura, feminine rage and all.

i know we completed the mission successfully because Melody reacted to the final gallery in such a positive way. i knew then that gallery delivery was the final embodiment of the photoshoot’s full emotional arc, an added dopamine payoff. we were so excited about the photos/art we created.

Melody: “jaw. on. the. floor. it was everything i envisioned. the colors, the clothes, the detail shots, just everything was so perfect.”

but more than that, i think a safe space to externalize some valid absurdity was just what the nervous system was screaming for at the time. i’m so glad she approached me with the concept and we made it happen, and with such a beautiful sunset to boot. the whole experience, with lore, gave the final product special meaning to us both.

i always want to help friends, others, people, humans, through my art: whether it’s my words, my illustrations, photography, design, etc. i want my process to feel like catching your breath. i want the experience to feel like coming home to yourself. the posed images tell one truth. the laughing images tell another.

there is something different about the photographs where she is laughing. her in-character images show her emotions in costume, but the laughing images show her nervous system’s reaction after it gets permission for release and relief… that after part of emotional processing people don’t often get to witness.

✩°。⋆ journal prompts from nikki ::

☀ * ₊⊹ 。. ☼ . ⊹₊ * ☀

field note no. 05

the artifact ::

then, like all golden hours, the sun slowly set. and it was the end. the road finally carried less weight. we were already packed up, the cardboard sign thrown away.

our bubbly little laughs pricked the air lit by the sun that chose to set on us. i remember our troubles feeling lighter for at least that evening: and that’s what the art became, i think.

not a perfect translation of what anyone was feeling… just a place for the feelings to live outside the body. things don’t need to be perfect, sometimes. sometimes they just need to exist.

Melody: “they became everything i wanted! when i first saw the video Manchild, i knew i wanted to recreate something like it, and even more that the song has a meaning behind it for me. so being able to bring it to life, especially with my feelings, i feel like the photos were just amazing and could definitely tell a story.”

✩°。⋆ journal prompts from nikki ::

☀ * ₊⊹ 。. ☼ . ⊹₊ * ☀

xoxo, nikki